Boys and education

Educating boys is a wonderful exercise but it comes with its challenges.

Do any of the following statements ring true with you:

Are we asking our boys to?

Teaching and Raising Boys

• Sit still.

• Listen with intent.

• Be less aggressive when upset.

• Be more stable in their emotions.

• Manage their testosterone better.

• Be interested for longer periods of time.

• Be less noisy.

• Respond when spoken to.

• Show more interest in education.

• Be less distracted.

The list goes on as we think about how educating boys and bringing them up is thwart with difficulties and challenges. My response is a simple one. I just loved teaching and working with boys. In fact, if given the choice I would have loved facilitating a school of boys. They are just the most remarkable and interesting young people to teach. Let’s think about these observations that I acquired in my work with boys.

• I found boys loved learning with passion when they found something they enjoyed. Yes, it was hard to engage them with general material, but once the passion was there, the learning was extensive and at that point, boys really concentrate, stay focussed and even sit still!

• Boys will naturally get angry and their fighting at times can be quite spontaneous, very physical, noisy, most unattractive and unacceptable. However, they move on quickly once they deal with their anger and face consequences. Amazingly mateship and forgiveness come quickly. Boys don’t seem to harbour long, negative memories and are quite prepared to shake hands and move on.

• If you build a relationship with boys, they will open up and talk more freely. Once trust is built with a boy, you will find they will talk more openly to you. Otherwise, they can be cautious in disclosing their feelings and particularly closed about emotional matters. Keeping feelings closed is not mentally healthy for boys.

• Sensitivity is another important aspect of growing boys. Their behaviour at times may not seem to depict sensitivity, but they are very sensitive by nature and need caring at this level. We want our boys to be treated with sensitivity to learn how to display sensitivity.

• Often people notice that boys generally learn or seem slower in their learning to girls especially in the early years. It is a biological fact they are generally not as developed physically, intellectually and emotionally as the girls, which means that setting expectations for them in the early years as with the girls is not a success. They certainly accelerate in early teens, which also requires giving them emotional and breathing space, as they grow into young men.

• A boy learns so much from solid modelling from their parents and especially from their father. They learn by observation and will seek out models that they can identify with comfortably. Never underestimate that how you communicate with your boy influences how they present themselves to others.

• Friendships and peer relations can have an impact on how boys manage themselves. Be accepting and open to their friendships and show that you trust their judgement in forming friends.

• Set boundaries that are clear and reasonable. Clarity with boys is very important. From time to time you may need to negotiate a change with those boundaries.

• Of course, being active and involved in sports is such an important part of a boy’s life. They need to be active and teachers often find that teaching them in short sharp bursts is the best way for their learning. Physical activity and especially working in teams, is such a healthy way of life. It gives them balance to be active as well as passive.

 Above all enjoy your boy. Accept that they are quite different in how they approach the world to our growing girls. Do not necessarily set the same expectations for them as girls and celebrate all the quirky and interesting facets of your son that you discover. When you see behaviour that is unappealing, remember that you love the boy and the behaviour will pass. Your acceptance of them for who they are, will pay dividends as they grow into happy, capable young men.

‘I realise that despite my tiredness, my son has the most fun when I do things his way-wild and loud. Go Big or go home.’

@ powerful mothering.com

Let’s talk about managing food allergies at school

This is such a difficult topic, as dealing with life-threatening allergies for children demand so much attention and understanding from all parties. Schools take this seriously, but unfortunately in the busy life of a school, mistakes can happen. The bigger the school, the more difficult it is to get the message across that, for example, everyone adopts a nut-free policy. Sometimes, some homes are not aligned with school rules and this is where it can fall down, putting children at risk. The answer, I believe, simply involves the child in question, gradually over time, being educated on food groups and allergies. It is so important that the child learns to personally manage their health themselves. Schools will help with supportive rules. However, if a child knows the signs of where food allergies are present around them, especially at eating time, the greater capacity they have of being safe from attacks.

Without going into much detail, children can learn that sometimes surfaces, where other children have eaten, can contain some contaminates that they need to be aware of. I hear you say, how hard it is for a child to feel that they have to own their condition. I believe that the more a child takes ownership of their health, the safer and ultimately the happier they will be. There is nothing more satisfying than being in charge yourself. It takes away so much fear and anxiety.

Hot Topic! Should schools ban ‘dangerous food’?

Think about the following ideas to help graduate a child into learning and taking ownership of their health issues, especially with regard to life threatening allergies.

• From an early age gently talk about the health matter and begin the education into food groups, allergies etc.

• As a parent, you will of course educate with wisdom, common sense and with an optimism, that it will be all for the best. Talking positively about how important it is to keep healthy and well.

• At school, keep the education going at your class level, especially and talk to the teacher about how the classroom can help when food is introduced. Teachers are all about education and if a child in their room, has specific food allergies, that are life-threatening, they will take great care to support the best climate for the child.

• Teach your child that everyone’s wellbeing is different and the home environment is a great place for celebrating that difference, especially when preparing and learning about food.

• Tune in with your child about how things are going at school and what precautions the child is taking when eating time comes around. It is always helpful to occasionally tap into the teacher to discuss how food is being managed throughout the school day. This is important, as, throughout the school year, the classroom will set up different dynamics, that may challenge eating time.

• Don’t forget to affirm your child if they demonstrate a smart way of managing their food allergies. Children, when left to their own devices, are creative in solving their own problems.

• Teach them to speak up and not feel vulnerable about their allergies. The more confidence a child shows in themselves, the safer they are in managing their own health issues. Their wellbeing is unique to them.

• The younger the child, the more careful and supportive are parents and school in providing a safe climate. However, at a younger age, a child can learn a great deal about their health and how to look after their condition. We are teaching them that self-care is a necessary part of their life.

Schools take on the responsibility of providing a nut-free policy and will do their best in providing that safe environment for the child. They also rely on everyone being on the same page, all the time. This can be challenging. The safer route is to keep your child abreast with self-knowledge where they build confidence and grow stronger in personally managing their health issues.

‘Self-care is how you take your power back’

-Lalah Delia

Ten great ways to help your child settle back into school

1. Family chats about coming out of the lockdown

Gather as a family and talk about what it will be like going back to school after a long time. Let your child talk about their fears and anxious thoughts, which will generally be all about re-establishing friends, feeling safe and getting back their feeling of confidence in learning. Don’t be surprised or challenged by what they have to say, as it is their time to talk freely about their worries.

2.    Reassure your child that school is a safe place

Reassure them that they will be in safe hands and that their health will be a big consideration with the school. Some children may be anxious about leaving the safety of home given the pandemic discussions that are around. It may have been a lockdown, but for a child, the home created a safe haven. Give your child accurate information about the pandemic, but make it age appropriate. This is important, as unsettling gossip at school can destabilise a child.

3. Plan you way out of the lockdown

Design a plan which may involve you taking them to school, talking to the teacher etc. whatever makes them feel that you are still present in their lives away from home. This will make the transition a more secure one and will build trust in the child in resuming school.

4.    Change can bring feelings of grief

Never underestimate that your child will experience some grief in letting you go. The concentrated time they have spent with you has been for them a time of getting to know their parents more deeply and feeling comforted by your reassuring presence. Therefore, when school resumes, consider still spending dedicated quality time with them as going cold turkey will be very unsettling, especially for younger children.

5. Make home a consistent and safe place

Re-establishing themselves in a school setting will take time as routines and school patterns are slowly re-established or created. Keep home life consistent so that the child feels secure in the boundaries and familiar environment they know and enjoy. Their home has been a comfort zone for quite some time.

6. Check in with your child regularly.

Check in with them regularly about how they are coping back at school. It will be natural that they will have ups and downs, not the least of which will be friendships. They may wish to tell you all is well as not to upset you. However, be open to conversation and not too probing in questions.

‘Sometimes starting school after a long break can be difficult. I wonder how you are going with it?”

 7. Never underestimate the effect of change

Going back to school is an immense change. Don’t underestimate its impact on the child. Therefore, adapt or moderate the family lifestyle to accommodate how your child is coping. This may mean some compromises or simply ensuring that quality time with family is maintained.

 8. Affirm your child’s efforts in being a change agent

Affirm your child’s efforts in returning to school. This is quite a challenge for them on many levels. Your appreciation gives them some reassurance that they are doing their best under difficult circumstances and it is valued.

‘I am so proud that after a long time you can settle back into school. That is a big step after such a long break.’

9. Less talk about the things that bring us down

Keep negative chatter about the state of the pandemic down and talk about the positive aspects as we move forward. This is important to ensure that the children are not building negative thoughts, now that they are in the eyes and ears of a school community. Negative gossip can build anxiety.

10. Don’t underestimate the fatigue from such a change experience.

You may find your child may feel some fatigue, mental and physical in going back to school. This can be from all the new pressures and expectations placed on them which were not the case in the home environment. Plenty of rest at home and a gentle reintroduction into routines, sport etc. outside the home is the best way forward.

It is all about frequent checking in with their progress into the new framework of our post lockdown world.

The responsibility and the independence

When our children are born, their dependency nee survival totally depends on ourselves, unlike many animal varieties that can within a short time, walk away from their parents and survive the wilds independently. Our species needs more time to be fed, nurtured and given some help to be upright and walking. At this point we have an incredible amount of power and responsibility for our children. No question about it, those early years are focussed on full support, care and safe direction for our family. Then suddenly things change. Once our children feel more personally in control, even if it is just a little, they seek out some independence. It is as though they are the butterfly edging their way out of the cocoon to find their independence and fly away. Gradually they grow stronger as they break free from their encased cocoon. The struggle they go through makes them stronger in their final exit from that encasement.

This is natural and normal. What the challenge is for parents is to help them slowly and gently discover their independence. Of course, there will be some struggle, possibly failure and endurance in this process. This can be challenging for some parents who struggle to let go and frightened to let their child make a mistake. What can then happen is a power struggle. Once power struggles creep into your life with your child, it can be a difficult journey to maneuver. If your plan is to win all the time, consider it a failure.

Here it is about working with your changing child, accepting that change will occur over time and choosing to be part of the process in a proactive way.

The following thoughts may help you prepare for that change.

• Reflect that your power is all about responsibility which gradually reduces as the child takes on more accountability for their own life.

• Gradually giving your child opportunities to be independent is the best way to lead them into feeling confident about their own capabilities. Such opportunities should start as early as you see evidence that they are seeking to do things on their own.

• Letting go can be hard especially when the child asks for independence in areas that can be challenging. Often parents find teenage time the most difficult. Children want and demand to be given more freedom and yet you see danger ahead that they cannot manage or foresee. Therefore, you feel anxious as after all you have responsibilities to that adolescent.

• When you let go and give them liberties affirm them when they have demonstrated to you that they can manage themselves well.

‘Well done. You walked to the shop on your own and followed all the road rules. This makes me feel that you know what to do.’

• As the child seeks more and more independence, that may mean some negotiation on your part. Resentment can build if you simply dismiss their requests without discussion and without listening to their request.

• Unsettled teenagers can be very determined in meeting their needs away from their parent’s eyes. We do not want that form of independence to develop. We want them to come to their parents, knowing that they will be heard and possibly some negotiation may occur.

• Parents often feel a sense of grief when they see their child reaching out for independence. Look at it differently. Your child is growing and just as they learn to walk, they now need to grow in more social and intellectual areas. Your guidance and support through that time will give them the confidence that you trust them. You should begin to see parenting as a responsibility that is helping your child become an independent young adult. Put another way, it is irresponsible not to support their developing independence.

• Every child is different but it is true to say that the first child generally has a harder road to walk in becoming independent. As parents, we are constantly learning how to manage their demands for independence. Consider this when relating to your firstborn.

Finally, by encouraging independence you are doing your child a great service. Building resilience and self-esteem strengthens a child’s feeling of confidence in managing themselves. No surprise that the children that developed independence early at school were fast learners, who took risks, challenged themselves and were not afraid of failure.

The great responsibility you have as a parent is to nurture independence and be a guide setting directions for your child, giving them the joy of personal exploration leading to self-management. 

‘The greatest gift you can give your children are the roots of responsibility and the wings of independence.’

-Denis Waitley

What do we accept and what do others accept?

I am sure that if I asked you, were you a tolerant and understanding parent, I am sure after reflection you would say, Yes. What may surprise you is that every family is different in terms of what they tolerate and what they believe is acceptable behaviour. What our children experience when they visit other homes, especially their friends are a whole set of different expectations and understandings. This is quite a learning curve for children and sometimes they will reflect on what they see and learn and not talk much about it at home. The difference at times can be quite overwhelming.

It is natural that children compare how different families operate and they are particularly curious about the degree of tolerance and freedom shown in other homes. They will compare and be interested in how their home experiences differ from other families. This is a time when they are reflecting on how happy they are in their family compared to other family situations. This is a normal part of growing up and learning about how people operate and perceive what is important in their life.

Here are a few tips on managing these interesting times when your children enter other people’s lives.

• Firstly, be sure about what you value as a family. As a unit, you have a certain way of operating and you have faith in your ability to manage family situations.

• Children may walk into homes that seem to have more liberty. This to a child is very exciting. They will challenge you about certain liberties that they are not given. Be sure of your answers and remain consistent and be clear about the values and patterns you keep as a family.

• Be open to inviting your child’s friends into your home. However, once visiting, they are subject to your rules with little compromise. It is important here to show your children that how you operate is valued by all.

• Talk about the fact that they will enter homes that perhaps have different rules and some may be looser than yours. Stress to your child that you trust their judgement at all times.  Unless the environment is deemed unsafe, remember that children need to be exposed to different family settings.

• Certainly, be open to change. If a child proposes some change that they have seen in other homes, have a discussion about whether you are prepared to introduce change, but keep in mind, this should happen through negotiation and discussion. Never lose sight of what is important to you but be open to listening which shows the child that you are a listener and respect their thoughts.

• Sometimes a child will see different ways in which parents deal with matters such as poor behaviours etc. These differences can be quite a surprise or even a shock to your child. When your child begins to visit other homes, keep conversations at your home open about how families are all different and have different ways of operating. The more you seem open to discussing the differences your child has seen, the more they will talk about the experiences they have had in different homes. Here we are leaving the door open for discussion about what a child may see as different.

This article is all about gradually inviting your child to see how difference occurs in families. It is not saying that your family has only the right way to follow, but it does stress that as a family you have a right and a style that best suits you. You choose to live by this code, but will from time to time reflect on suggestions based on their suitability for your ever-growing family structure.

‘Children understand and remember concepts best when they learn from direct experience.’

- Joseph Cornell

Five great tips to help our kids and ourselves in these difficult times

1. Are you someone that tries hard to make everything right all the time? If this is the case you must be on overdrive during the lockdown. I would say quite exhausted. Try easing off a little. Are there things you can simply not do? These are unusual times and require unusual approaches.  A little less can be better.

We have all said that we are in a new norm. Consider putting less pressure on yourself by not demanding as much from yourself and the children. Accept that the world has changed. Less mental clutter from expecting too much will ease the tension for everyone. Mental clutter comes from too much to think about without eliminating any of the worries on your mind.

2. When exercising with the kids, try setting little goals.

‘Today we will ride to the park and tomorrow will we will cycle a bit further around the creek”.

Here it is all about shifting the goal posts a little and motivating the children to do better and achieve a little more. It certainly gets the enthusiasm going for everyone. We all need something like a small challenge to get us motivated.

3. Children thrive on routine and feel so secure when they know what is happening. Put a set plan into the day with school work, lunch, etc. all planned. At the end of the day, it is recreation and fun time. It certainly is a motivator for the children. Involve them in the plan and assess how it all went after the day or the week. They will feel comfortable and secure with the routine and look forward to their free time to stretch their legs.

4. Unclutter. Keep the day simple and the house even simpler. The more we clutter, the more we think we have things to do. When you break away from the house for a walk etc. note how things just fade away.

5. Now is not a time to be extraordinarily disciplined and in control of everything. There is enough mental discipline coming from our lockdown instructions. Loosen up a little and enjoy the experience of just being family. Afterall it is such an extraordinary time to be together. Try and savour this time which will never come back again in the same format. Treasure it.

“Tough times don’t last. But tough people do.”

— Robert H. Schuller

Looking after yourself a key ingredient into coping

There is an old saying which says, “If mama isn’t right, the whole house isn’t right.” Here we mean that keeping yourself well and feeling mentally on top of things is critical for the mental health of the whole family. You, the parent is a major driver in the mental health of the family.

          No pressure I hear you say loud and clear!

Here are some thoughts on keeping mentally healthy during these difficult times where we feel so unsettled and disillusioned by the news we hear on a daily basis about the pandemic.

• Watch out for the triggers in your life that will unsettle you easily. We all have buttons once pressed that make us feel unhappy, angry disappointed, etc. If you can recognise those triggers then perhaps you can avoid them. This may mean some restructuring in your day, perhaps avoiding the news, conversations etc. When you think about it, there are occasions and situations that will bring you into an unsettled state. Seek out ways to avoid them. It could be as simple as not watching the news, reading the paper, not discussing the daily numbers with the virus, etc.

• Take care not to blame yourself when things go wrong. This can happen easily when you are feeling down. For example, if your child doesn’t complete work online do not immediately see yourself as the bad parent. The more we see ourselves as the one to take the blame, the less capable we are to manage the situation effectively. Very quickly we begin to spiral down and only see the negative in situations. You are not the source of all problems and circumstances often outside your control dictate outcomes!

• Try to focus on the positive. Today is sunny, this means Spring is coming and we can do more activities outside. Sometimes just reflecting on the simple positives just cheer you up. This does require developing a mindset that looks to the positive. When you start thinking that way you begin to have more gratitude for the good things around you and this shrinks negative feelings.

• Be conscious of developing unhealthy coping skills. This can mean going to places and comfort zones that give us short term relief. Of course, alcohol would be in this category.

• Think about what really works for you that makes you happy. Everyone is different in this area. Some people love yoga, others like to jog, cook, read, sew etc. The more you gravitate and feed your personal passions the better you feel.

• Ensure you find yourself in situations where you get rewarded. It is important to hear affirmation from those around you. Of course, your children are a wonderful source of showing you how much they love you. Never underestimate the power of hearing positive talk about yourself. After all you are worth it!

• Treat yourself to little indulgences. Some people love a bath, some enjoy a quiet time in the garden etc. Your personal space is very necessary to rejuvenate the spirit. If flowers make you feel happy, buy some each week.

• Finally, talk to friends. There is nothing more enjoyable than simply having conversations with those that you value most in life.

Remind yourself that powers outside your control have led to our pandemic situation. We are just trying to create an environment that brings some light and joy into a difficult situation. However, in order to be a giver of joy, we must look after ourselves first in whatever way works for you.

“Talk to yourself like you would to someone you love.”

— Brene Brown

Everyone is concerned about their child’s education in lockdown

Here, I am suggesting that you keep the long view of education in mind. Making a judgement on the effectiveness of on-line learning is almost impossible in the short term. The results of student performance are all about longitudinal studies over many years. I have no doubt there will be plenty of these studies in the future. However, in the shorter term as we live with on-line studies for students, the question remains, how can I best help my child?

Try not to focus on what your child has missed from not being at school. The education system will need to take stock of what this means in education for the future.

As we live with on-line studies for students, the question remains, how can I best help my child?

I suggest the following plan for children starting school and in the early years of primary education. Here, I am really thinking of that age where children are learning how to read and write.

• Read each day to your child. Get them to follow the story. Children love to mimic and repeat the words of the story back to you.

• Encourage them to read as much as possible. Talk about the story and engage in conversation about the plot, theme and the words used.

• Have charts around the house with basic phonetic rules. This is great for the prereaders. Also include number charts. These are obtainable on-line or even in your local newsagency. Don’t get too caught up with the detailed ones. Young children need exposure to words, sounds and numbers. Talk about them and refer to them throughout the day. Play games and recite poetry. These are great tools to kick start reading.

• If your child is literate to some degree, they can manage the on-line material more easily. Teachers are becoming more skilled in setting work that suits the child on-line. Just be a guide and direct them when necessary. If possible, go through the plan for the day with them and at the end of the day talk about how they went with the work. Praise them for putting in the time and effort, not so much the quality of the work. This is more about rewarding the process, not the outcome.

• Keep the day balanced so that your child will know that recreation is part of their day. This gives them something to look forward to. Let them take small breaks. In a normal classroom, conversation is important as part of the learning process. Try to talk to your child throughout the day and ask questions about their work. Make suggestions and question occasionally why they choose such an answer. This is all part of what happens in a classroom. It is most definitely not a silent environment. It is a busy, often noisy environment, with multiple activities happening at the same time.

• To get the best from the on-line studies, talk positively in the morning about how the day will look. Consider where your child is set up and make sure they are not in isolation for too long a time. Let them feel, that their learning space, is all their own and they don’t have to relocate at the end of the day.

• If the teacher writes back some positive comments, print them and put them on display. Younger children will enjoy seeing their art work around the house. Now is not a time to worry about neatness and correctness. It is also not a time to talk about failure and poor performance. Show confidence in your child’s intelligence and ability to be successful. Let them feel comfortable talking with you during the day and displaying their work for all to see. Be impressed with their efforts and not their outcomes. If they develop a strong self-concept, they are more inclined to succeed academically. The message you want to give them is that they are developing into strong self-learners. You, the parent are setting the stage for your child’s growing perception of themselves as effective learners.

In our current world, we are always talking about student performance and measuring success. I suggest, that we have less of this ‘being accountable’ talk and more about the positive progressive steps a child is taking along the way. Each day should be another successful day of good learning. It should not be about simply measuring performance from on-line work. I have always felt strongly about this as a Principal, and I am more so now that children have the burden of working on line. 

“In terms of change, learners inherit the earth,

While the learned find themselves beautifully equipped to deal with world that no longer exists.”

— Eric Hoffer

All things Covid19 - resource list.

Covid19 and the various levels of lockdown have been extremely stressful for parents, to say the least. How do we explain this situation to our children when we’re feeling immense levels of stress ourselves?

Here’s a recourse list to help explain all things Covid19 to our children.

What to say when tricky questions are asked about Coronavirus

How to stop the worry with issues like coronavirus.

Isolation and being at a distance - what does that mean?

Another lockdown and more home schooling. How important is it?

So, we are back working on line from home.

Let’s take away the fear and replace it with positive thinking.

On we go with lockdowns

A few tips on helping with home schooling

8 quick tips to keep the mood positive in these tricky times

“Lockdown again,” I hear you say.

Crazy creative ideas for long stays at home.

Getting back to routine after lockdown

Back to school and living the new norm

A positive thought

Everyone is concerned about their child’s education in lockdown

Looking after yourself a key ingredient into coping

On we go with lockdowns

Whilst I have written several times on this matter, it occurs to me that there is no problem in repeating how and what to do to help our children’s mental health during this period. Everything keeps shifting. As each week comes around, there is an evolution of new thoughts and discussions on how and what is best practice in managing the situation. This everchanging pattern leaves us very unsettled and searching for the truth.

In the longer term, we cannot understand or contemplate how our children will interpret this tumultuous period in their life. What we can do as parents though, is provide a secure climate at home, that keeps the positive alive and a sense of hope, a source of regular discussion.

Children need to feel secure and as parents, we are the source to make this provision. Our hope is that in the longer term, they remember us as parents who kept up with accurate information. They also want us to be honest. However, in the same vein, to give us hope, so that they have something to look forward to and to set a goal in these troubling times. Setting goals is aspiring to feeling and being better.

‘If I finish my on-line work, I will ride my bike with mum and dad in the park for two hours.’

In the longer term, we cannot understand or contemplate how our children will interpret this tumultuous period in their life.

This is most important that they trust what we have to say and look to us for further ongoing current, accurate information and guidance. It is our responsibility to keep them abreast with the changing situations, age-appropriate of course.

Take care not to talk the negative talk in front of them. They pick up on what is said and if it is unsettling, they may harbour that thought, without seeking accurate information. Children in my experience, do not approach adults who seem agitated or unsettled about their facts and feelings. They always gravitate around the stable influence in their life.

Through the internet, talking to friends, news items etc. information, correct or otherwise is everywhere. You are the main source of truth for your child. It is imperative that they want to seek you out when they have questions that make them unsettled. They will go to you if they see you as someone who will not falsify information, put them down or polish the truth. If you are a calm and stable person, that listens with very little reaction to the questions, then they know you are reliable and can be trusted.

Children are living their own journey with this pandemic and so they deserve the truth and the ability to build their knowledge base as time progresses. For example, we are now talking about the percentage of vaccines that are taken up as being significant to when and where we can open up our cities. The conversation keeps shifting and so too should the information and conversations we have with our children. Of course, we deliver the information in an age-appropriate way and as frequently as is needed.

 I believe it is also important to be clear with your child how your family is responding to the lockdowns etc. For example, talk to them about how you shop, what precautions you take and how far you travel. These practical aspects are still to be understood by the child. The clearer they are about how their family operates under the pandemic, the safer they feel in the presence of their reliable family.

 Your family has an immense responsibility during this pandemic of not just keeping your child safe from physical harm, but also from longer-term mental harm. The more secure, predictable and reassuring you are as a parent, the better the mental health for the child in the longer term.

“Family is your most reliable source of support in any situation because love from your family is unconditional.”

— Auliq Ice

Take care with the word we use. Remember sticks and stones can break those bones!

Consider how we speak. How do we use our words? Are we quick to say things off the cuff or are we more precise and careful in how we speak? Our children hear not only what we have to say but how we say it. They quickly pick up the intonation and sense our mood, intent and temper in our conversations. This blog is to invite us to reflect a little more deeply on how we present ourselves to children through our words. Do we want them to see us a controlled person or one who speaks with thought and with judgement in how we speak?

No question about it, children will be attracted to the parent who speaks calmly and is approachable and not so quick to temper. These are parents who choose their words carefully.

 Consider the following:

• How we speak gives a message to our children about how we approach life. More words are not always better than less, more meaningful words.

• We want our children to engage with us over many topics. The more controversial, the less likely they will approach someone who speaks quickly, jumps to conclusions and can be quick to respond with strong opinion. Even using highly articulate words can be intimidating to a young child. By them not understanding the words can more unsettling.

• Remember, ‘Words once spoken can never be revoked.’ (Horaci 65-8BC)

The advice here is about realising the power and potential damage if words are used with intent to hurt. By stopping and thinking before speaking we put the relationship at less risk. This gives us time to choose words well.

• People who demonstrate action over words are considered wise and rational people. Our children benefit from seeing this model in their parents.

• Careless thoughtless words can be very influential in changing relationships for good. Going into damage control is never as effective as simply avoiding such words.

• Teachers know the value of speaking well and using it to bring out the best in children. They know that careless talk changes the relationship by diminishing trust and teaching children becomes more difficult. They encourage children to think about what they want to say so that they get the best from the conversation.

As a principal, it was so important to speak with clarity, know my facts and think about the words that I was using so that a child would not misinterpret what I said. By doing this I was in a better situation to have a healthy, productive conversation.

It is such a powerful tool, the use of words. We are gifted with speech but should see it as a force to do good and to build relationships, especially with our children.

“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.”

— Peggy O’Mara

Think about the value of laughter during lockdown

Victor Borge said,

‘Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.’

Here we are not talking about social distancing. We are talking about mental distancing. Let’s create the shortest distance possible!

When we consciously choose to keep laughter alive in our life, we naturally feel better and connect better to those around. People are attracted to warm and cheerful people. Laughter is life giving.

We know, through research, that laughter is a stress buster and at the moment, hard though it maybe, what we all need is a good injection of laughter in our life.

Children are naturally drawn to being cheerful and happy. So, for them, being in a family that laughs together is a natural and healthy way to live.

If laughter can keep us together, then it makes sense that in these tricky times, we use laughter as therapy. Think about the suggestions that follow to keep the laughter alive in your family.

• Use a joke book and each night have some family fun reading out jokes.

• Play a joke on your child during the day and surprise them with some laughter.

• Watch a funny movie together that brings laughter and cheerful attitudes to the house.

• Physical exercise can bring laughter into the home as everyone chats about the fun activities they did on their bike, skateboard etc.

• Write little cheery notes and put them under your child’s pillow. This is a wonderful surprise element.

• If you have a pet such as a dog at home family fun together can bring laughter to the house.

• Play family games. There are many board games etc. that bring laughter and fun to everyone.

• Do you have any funny family stories to tell the children? This can often be an entertaining time for all.

Laughter is cheap. It doesn’t cost anything and if we simply look around our home, I am sure you will find reasons to smile and laugh.

• Become a witty, fun person around your children. You will get so much positive feedback from engaging with your children in this way. You feel more fully alive when laughing with your children.

• Be imaginative. Draw, dance, skip with your children. It brings out the laughter and creativity of the family. This may mean being a little different from the usual person you are, but we are in times where we need to stretch our imagination and accept challenges.

• Take care to limit the negative talk. People generally feel better and happier when less negative discussion is around.

• Be a little more tolerant when mistakes are made. Less time spent in behaviour management and more time in being happy together makes for a calmer, more cheerful family.

• Try noticing less mistakes and problems around the house. This will slow down feelings of anxiety and cheer you up.

These thoughts are all about finding different avenues in which to bring joy and laughter into the home. Every family has their own unique way of laughing and playing together. After all, happiness is a very natural state for a person in which to live. Our physical and mental health is all the better for laughter in today’s unsettling world. See it as another important immunisation against mental deterioration.

“A day without laughter is a day wasted.”

— Charlie Chaplin

A positive thought

It is just so tricky thinking up creative ways to have fun and engage with the children in lockdown. I was recently thinking of a very successful teacher who had the most wonderful disposition and skill in turning doom and gloom in the classroom into something happy and positive.

No mean feat when you have unsettled children. Perhaps her idea may have some application in your home. Call it a “negative stop buster” to clear the cobwebs and change thinking in a negative way.

Her method of improving attitude was to declare the day a P Day. This meant that the children could only talk positive talk and discuss things that were making them happy. For example:

• Today the sun has come out.

• I am really looking forward to lunch.

• I finished my on-line work. Yeh!!

• I will wear this t-shirt. I like all the colours.

• I love riding my bike.

• I am looking forward to some desert.

• Thanks for lending me your pencil.

• When we play Lego together I have so much fun.

What this teacher was doing was conditioning the children into seeing the small things in the day as positive. It is quite amazing how it can redirect your mood. In the junior classes, children would record how many times they talked about positive thoughts. It became quite a fun activity.

It was a game, but one in which the children turned their thinking to discovering the positive in simple things. This naturally created positive feelings that can take away the unsettling mood.

Perhaps you could have a “P” hour once a day as a whole day could be just too much to coordinate.

This game is simply a tool in redirecting negative thoughts into positive. You may find it a useful strategy in the home setting during these repeated days of more of the same.

No surprises, this teacher was well loved by the children. Positive people always attract others through their warm and happy disposition.

“A positive mindset brings positive things.”

— Phillip Reiter

A child’s strengths - Oh so many!

Do we recognise the unique strengths that your child has brewing within them? We are certainly able to identify some of the obvious strengths. Your child may be good at Maths. They may write well. They may excel at running or some other sport. All of these are clear and visible strengths in which we affirm and easily give our child reassurance. There are also many evolving aspects of your child that need nurturing and encouragement. They can be more subtle and we need to be tuned in, to pick up the signs for these evolving strengths. They are developing strengths in the emotional and social aspects of their life which are critical for your child to become a well-rounded, functioning adult. We often forget to acknowledge these developing strengths and so I will now list some for us to reflect on as parents. The list is not exclusive but hopefully will give some insight into what you are looking for in your child.

Does your child demonstrate from time to time?

• Compassion for others.

• Unselfishness and is able to share.

• A generous spirit and will check to ensure others are included.

• Developing empathy to those less abled or in some way hurt or offended.

• An ability to share conversation and listen well to others.

• Shows patience in difficult situations.

• Kindness to those around.

• Has an ability to form friends well and easily. Do they sustain friendships?

• Is your child inclusive with other children in their friendship groups?

• Has a tendency to put others ahead of themselves.

• Reflects on activities that happen to them.

• Talks positively about others and looks for the best in people.

• When they are challenged through school work, friendships etc. do they look to find the positive in the situation and choose not to blame?

• Are they able to forgive hurts and move on quickly?

• Is sharing a natural part of how they interact with others?

All of these and there are plenty more, are examples of a child’s developing social and emotional maturity. All of these qualities should be strengthened by our tuning into their presence in our child’s life.

‘Well done, I can see how you are a good friend and you gave your share of the sweets to James because he wasn’t feeling well.’

‘I noticed how you included all the children in your class to your birthday party. You are fair to everyone.’

‘When you play basketball, I notice how you are keen to play as a team player and share the ball. Bravo.’

Your progressive affirmations alert the child to the fact that their social and emotional responses are highly valued. This is the foundational time for building an intuitive and emotionally intelligent young adult who will be a well-rounded and productive individual with a great ability to remain mentally healthy.

“Teach your children how to identify their own strengths and challenge them to contribute these strengths to others.”

—  Marcus Buckingham

Dealing with the put downs

Nobody likes being put down. Children especially can begin to see putdowns as something they deserve or an indication that they are not worthy to be given credibility. No matter how we avoid them they often come our way, subtly or more directly.

If a child takes an aggressive response to the put down, the problem can quickly escalate. When the child responds by passively giving in and not responding, they can build resentment and this behaviour does not stop the put downs from coming their way. The best response is for a child to be assertive, expressing themselves in a way that clearly tells the offender that their behaviour was unacceptable. This assertive way of responding does not put the other person down which further shows maturity on the part of the child being put down.

The best way to be assertive is to state it clearly.

“I am upset that you speak that way. I find it offensive.”

“I am disappointed in your words. They are quite hurtful.”

“I don’t like the way you talk to me. It’s quite inappropriate.”

These responses are about informing the offender that their words are offensive.  In no way does it seek retribution, but it puts the offender on notice that their words were not to be tolerated.

It is also about looking the offender in the eye, being clear in your speech and showing confidence in the way you calmly rebuff their accusations. This is about developing emotional maturity which helps the child respond in ways that give them a sense of being in control. As the parent you can help your child show assertiveness by the following:

• Give the example of being assertive yourself when you feel spoken to or treated poorly.

• Teach your child to use the “I” statement. Get them to practise them….

“I am disappointed when…”

“I am unhappy when…”

“I do not like your behaviour when…”

Once the child becomes familiar with using this language, they have a quick and effective way of responding to the person putting them down. The more they use it, the stronger they feel.

• Discuss times when you used assertive approaches in your life and how you felt afterwards.

• From time to time tap in with them in relation to how they feel about themselves when others speak poorly to them. Sometimes frequent and subtle put downs can build up considerable feelings of being bullied. Ignoring put downs can also encourage the offender to keep on with the attack.

In a classroom, it is common practice that teachers will role model how to be assertive and encourage children to use language that works. Whilst still taking responsibility when they see a child bullying another, they will still teach the offended child to be assertive to prevent future attacks and to recognise when words used are unacceptable.

The teacher will also instruct the child using an “I” statement to state clearly the reasons for the upset.

 “I am angry when you laugh at my new glasses.”

  “I feel very upset when you laugh at my stutter.”

Teachers will also encourage children to recognise when a put down is unacceptable. Accepting and tolerating put downs requires a maturity to determine the intent.

However, should put downs become unmanageable then adult intervention should take place. Take care to know when this is necessary as prolonged and unmanaged putdowns can turn into severe bullying.

Finally, you the parent through your own experiences can model when a put down is not acceptable. Your understanding of your child’s sensitivity and emotional maturity should give you the guidance to teach them how to be assertive and in control at any age.

“Our ultimate freedom is the right and power to decide how anybody or anything outside ourselves will affect us.”

— Stephen Covey

How disappointed do we really feel?

It is certainly easy to feel disappointed with so many things that appear in life. Our children will from time to time let us down. They will be growing in their own way and will take directions that may disappoint us. This article is to invite us to reflect on those disappointments, which if left to fester, can cause major upsets and breaking down of trust and relationships with our child.

The following thoughts invite us to look at disappointments more realistically and give them a place that is manageable and reasonable.

• Consider what kind of personality you have as this can reflect how you respond when disappointed and how tolerant you are in different situations. If you are a perfectionist, there will be many things that your child does that will disappoint you. If you are more relaxed, you will not notice certain behaviours that can be seen as disappointing by others. Of course, there are many variations within our personalities and if you are aware of your own tolerance level, this will help you cope better with some disappointments. After all, disappointment is about ourselves feeling displeased. The question is do disappointments worry others? It is quite a personal feeling.

• Put things into perspective. When you get disappointed with your child, remember that they are only a child and things will pass. Time moves quickly around busy, growing children.

• Watch your anger levels. If you are too quick to respond, consider if it is proportional to the problem. Can you manage your anger levels?

• Be alert to the situations that will disappoint you with your child. Are there some issues you can just let go? Can you prevent disappointing situations from happening? Are you able to simply walk away and allow the disappointing feeling to dissipate? Do you hold on to disappointments?

• Remember not to harbour the disappointment. Once the matter is dealt with, moving on quickly with children is important.

• Take care that when you wish to express your disappointment to your child, remember to express it in terms they will understand.

“I am so upset that you broke the vase. It belonged to my grandmother.”

• Teachers understand that when they become disappointed with a child’s behaviour, once it is dealt with, they need to move on in relationship quickly. This reassures the child that the bond between them is strong and unbroken. Often, the teacher will ensure that they affirm them for something positive soon after the event to give the child a small boost back to normal. This helps to keep fuelling the normal relationship and it is sound advice also for parents.

• If you find that you seem to be having frequent disappointments, take stock of the situation. Is your child in the best zone with you? Maybe you need some time out together or perhaps less concentrated time together. Too many disappointments happening frequently can only lead to deepening damage in the relationship and a longer recovery.

• Finally, it is natural to have disappointments with our child. It is also natural and appropriate that a child would understand that they have disappointed you. What is necessary is to keep everything in proportion, remembering that you are dealing with a child’s problem and that it will generally pass.  

“No expectations, no disappointments.”

— ENKI quotes

How to deal with outbursts of anger.

Let’s consider the age of the child for this matter. Younger children when they have fits of rage are often expressing disappointments etc. with very little language and so, to them, having a full-on outburst is their way of sending out very loud messages that their needs are not being met. When such an outburst occurs and it is a high one, there is little you can do at the time, other than keep the child safe and wait! Sounds useless but once a child is in an uncontrollable state no logic, nor reasonable conversation will be heard. The child is simply zoned out. Their emotions have taken over and they are not capable of responding to your pleas. When they have calmed down and you feel that they are more in control, than that is the time to simply say:

‘You have been so upset; something is making you feel that way.’

Gentle conversation and listening to their concerns are now the best time to discuss what happened. Keep in mind with some children, they may not fully understand how unsettled they became during the crisis and they may need some emotional chill out time to really calm down. Common practice at school when a child was out of control was to keep them safe in a room and simply wait until they calmed down. Teachers know that high order emotions are not a time to discuss problems.

When older children have an outburst of anger, care must be taken to ensure they are safe. This is always the first priority. Once again whilst they are in a severely distressed state, there is little you can do, except be patient. Offer no criticism, just reassuring words. Accept that this is not a time to talk about the problem. Allow time for the child to calm down and take care even then about discussing the matter at hand. Some parents may choose to say:

‘Something has really upset you and when you feel ready, I would like to talk to you about it.’

Remember the following important points when there are serious outbursts of anger.

• Time out to calm down is the best and most effective response.

• When you talk to your child later about the outburst, keep in mind that they may not actually think the outburst was such a problem. When you are out of control, you are not aware on what is disturbed and unsettled around you.

• You may be quite upset about the outburst. You may also be angry that the outburst was such a disturbance. Take care not to be carrying any of this hostility around when talking about the outburst. Choose your time well.

• Once the outburst is over, you may find your child quite tired as a lot of energy goes into these outbursts. Be prepared to allow some time for your child to mentally rest from the experience.

• An outburst, depending on the age of the child, can be about a little matter, but it could also be about a matter that they simply cannot resolve any other way. When talking about the outburst, take care not to understate the importance to the child.

• Often with young children, they cannot express themselves well. Their language and ability to process thoughts are limited and so the outburst is one way of drawing attention to themselves. Take care not to be too disciplinarian about the outburst as it is for them a means of expressing themselves. Older children, who use outbursts, are more a concern as generally, they choose to be emotional in a public way, rather than use language and other means to help them. Such children need careful support to strengthen their ability to communicate their messages better.

• Keep in mind that if you demonstrate in your own life that outbursts are your way of coping with stress, you are telling your child that this behaviour is acceptable.

Above all, keep in mind that outbursts are about sending us a message of being unhappy. Our parental job is to gently decipher the problem after the outbursts have passed when we observe that the child is in a better space to listen. This of course may be more about their time rather than ours. Patience is needed.

“The kids who need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving ways.”

— ~

Curiosity boosts learning

Einstein was a famous one for telling everyone that without curiosity learning does not grow. He would argue that without his insatiable attitude for being curious he would not have made his discoveries about the universe.

By nature, children are curious. We see this in the young child who will explore everything in front of them. As the child grows, also grows a level of caution, it’s natural. As parents, we monitor what is safe and not so safe when it comes to being curious. This blog is to remind parents that curiosity can come in so many ways. Our role is to encourage it and to invite our children to explore the world through different lenses, understanding that within each lens, different perceptions develop.

To some degree developing curiosity is linked to developing independence and as the parents give the child more freedom, they begin to explore the world in their own way without boundaries. They experiment with more freedom and this will come with mistakes and success. In order to build curiosity in our children the following thoughts may help:

• A child can be curious in many ways that can be as simple as learning to cook, playing in the sandpit, studying recipes etc. through to learning about planets. The range is big, or small and is everywhere.

• The more we don’t give immediate answers but invite more questions, the child’s curiosity grows.

“Look at that beetle. I wonder why it goes in and out of the rock?”

• More questions beget more questions and so the probing goes deeper, the perceptions alter and alternative thinking develops strengthening and feeding our creative disposition. Here critical thinking begins.

• When the child sees that you enjoy being curious, they learn that the experience will be enjoyable for them and they can ask questions freely. Just giving answers does not excite the imagination and shuts down all creativity.

• When you listen to the news or read something of interest, use these occasions to discuss the curious nature of the article or news item. Children will soon learn that you invite conversations with them to learn more and enjoy the discussion together. This, to you, is seen as an effective way to work through issues, problems or simply to gain knowledge.

• This is a time when asking “why” a perfect way to invite curiosity. Children prefer this rather than straight answers. We are not always the bearer of all information, but we can be the bearer of many questions to explore different ways of looking at things.

• If your child knows that you will invite them into being curious, rather than just providing an answer, they will be more inclined to approach you with interesting thoughts and ideas. A child is naturally attracted to questioning, rather than just knowing the answer.

• Schools are actively teaching a method that invites gaining knowledge through asking questions. Your child, if at school age, will be familiar with this process, which to them is a natural form of learning. Talk to your child’s teacher to learn more about the Inquiry approach to learning.

• When you ask questions, rather than give an immediate response, you are telling your child that there could be many ways of looking at something. This is encouraging the child to see everything from various lenses. It presupposes that having a go and reflecting on different answers is not about making mistakes, but rather seeking out the truth and thinking with an open mind and being a critical thinker.

“What road do I take?”
“Well, where are you going?”
“I don’t know.”

“Then it doesn’t matter if you don’t know where you are going. Any road will get you there.”

— Alice in Wonderland

Asking for help, is an important tool in learning

Are you the person that always asks for help? Some children naturally ask, even though they may not have thought through what they are asking. This, for some, can simply be a habit. Other children can be slower in asking for help and others may not ask for help due to shyness, embarrassment, fear of looking like a failure, etc. Not getting into the habit of asking questions, can be dangerously habit forming and we want our children to hear their voice in the classroom when questions are asked.

Whatever the category your child falls into, all children need to ask for help in the classroom and learn that asking for help is natural and to be expected in developing an inquiring mind. Once a child becomes an adolescent, they need to have conquered their fears to ask for help, otherwise, it can become an academic and social minefield.

Teachers carefully monitor those children who remain silent and work very calmly and skilfully to bring their voice into the harmony of all the classroom when questions are asked. A teacher will respect the quiet child, but work to get their questions and voice out in the open.

Asking questions suggests developing intellectual curiosity and perseverance to learn more. By asking questions our children are wanting to explore concepts for themselves and make sense of what they don’t understand.

 At home, you can support your child to ask questions in the following ways.

Asking questions suggests developing intellectual curiosity and perseverance to learn more

• Ask a lot of questions yourself. Demonstrate to your child that asking questions gives you the knowledge you need to feel satisfied.

• When together as a family, have a game of asking questions. This can be a great game in the car and the importance here is to invite questions about some information. The game of ‘I spy’ is a popular one.

• Ask your child about how they gain information in the class. Do they ask questions? Are they comfortable asking questions? Do they feel asking questions helps them learn?  If this is a problem,

• Talk to your child’s teachers about how best to assist your child.

• Once a week around the table ask the children to simply ask questions. This can be around a topic, a picture etc. the importance is simply to practice asking questions.

We are aiming for our children to recognise that asking questions is a normal part of solving problems. It should be to a child a natural process this is used in building knowledge.

“The important thing is to not stop questioning.”

— Albert Einstein

Take care with words spoken

In the heat of the moment, we can say all sorts of things in all sorts of ways. Our mood and temper can often dictate how and what we say in front of our children. We have a liberty with speech which can work for us or against us. There are times when we may need to speak with more definition and there are more relaxed times when we can simply talk with ease, spontaneously and in comfort. Whatever our style of communication through speech, this article is to remind us that it is a powerful tool for the force of good and evil in our relationships.

Often words sharply spoken cannot easily be retracted. When we speak with our children, it is best to remember that they are listening carefully for the intention and will cautiously listen for reinforcing words and a calm style. The words make all the difference to how they will respond.

Here are a few thoughts to keep our speech in check when around our children.

• Remember to think before you speak. This is particularly important when you are feeling unsettled or in a situation that could lead to speaking out of turn.  Sometimes in the rush of speaking we can lose sight of what we are really saying.

• Create space. This means take some time out before speaking if you think you are inclined to say careless things that you will regret later. In this case, silence is golden.

• Use language that is age appropriate for your child and take care not to intimidate with strong, overpowering words that can have various meanings. Such is a form of intimidation. Simple language is the best, especially if you have some important messages to get across to your child.

• Remember to use words that clearly talk about what you want to say. Children can easily miss the content of what you say through the words you use, the speed of talking and the intonation used. Don’t allow your words to become a destructive tool but rather a building block for strong relationships.

• Reflect from time to time if you have used words that affirm and reinforce your child. This is a reminder to your child that they are valued and that you are keen to publicly talk about them in a positive way. Everyone from time to time enjoys hearing about themselves in a positive way. The positive use of words strengthens communication and give a clear message of wanting to engage with someone.

• If you are feeling disappointed and need to talk to your child about some behavioural concern, think about how you will say it and what words you will use that are balanced and suitable for the situation. Speaking too quickly without having our mind ahead of our mouth can be damaging for the relationship.

Finally, the words we use on a daily basis, say a lot about ourselves. They are the tools that inform others about how we wish to engage and participate in life. They are a force to drive people away or to bring them closer. Our children understand very clearly that the way words are presented to them is the clear traffic lights of their relationship. Flash onto green whenever possible.

“Think twice before you speak, because your words and influence will plant the seed of either success or failure in the mind of another.”

— Napoleon Hill